I really want to make something of this blog though seem to be failing miserably at doing so. I’ve never been much of a one for small talk though have an opinion on just about everything if asked. Seeming as there is no one here to give me material to comment on my posts have become few and far between.
Someone once said to me they thought I had gravitas. I never knew what that meant and had to ask. They said something about being deep but I can’t remember much more than that just now. I’ve just looked it up and found one definition is seriousness or sobriety, as of conduct or speech. So do I think I have gravitas – well I suppose I have but certainly not all the time. But perhaps the bit I have has an overbearing influence on my ability to engage in whimsical small talk. I dunno.
I know I’m indulging myself here but I shan’t let that stop me. It takes an effort for me to be serious and I’m a lazy so and so. I do most things quickly simply so I get it finished and can get back to doing nothing again. Not strictly true all the time or perhaps any of the time but it’s a characteristic I think I have.
I’m motivated to find out stuff and gain competence in new skills though once I consider I have achieved understanding and a basic know how I lose interest. I’ve never become adept at anything. Blogging is an immediate example of that. It does not bother me much though a little bit of me wonders if it should.
I was at my granddads wake not so long ago. He was 93 when he died. A lovely man who was kind hearted, generous and considerate. He was a good man and is remembered fondly by everyone. I was talking to his youngest son, my uncle, who mentioned he had been reading this blog from time to time. He commented on the content and said he’d given up reading it as I kept going off on strange tangents. They were not exactly his words but that was what I heard. He liked the family stuff but not what he described as existential pondering. I don’t know which posts he was referring to but have an idea as to what he meant – stuff like this. My dad also said he’d had a look but couldn’t fathom out what I was doing it for. I guess what I took from this feedback is confirmation of my belief that I don’t really connect well with other people. Not that I think I’m completely socially inept but there is no doubt in my mind that an outsider is what I am. How did I get this way? By taking the easy option and laziness perhaps.
I’ve described myself as a very private person. Thinking that anyone I know will actually read this makes me feel more than a little bit uncomfortable. I feel vulnerable in doing so. That’s not going to stop me though. I’ve always tried to confront head on anything that I’m scared of. I shall continue.
I think there is more than a little bit of Aspergers about me. I’m stupidly independent and rarely ask anyone for help or advice. Not because I don’t appreciate any that comes my way but more so because I find enrolling people to my *cause* just about impossible. Perhaps it’s because I lack conviction. Whatever it is as time goes by the more frustrating I find this becomes. I’m also stupidly loyal. Maybe this is because I desperately want to hold on to the people I have made a connection with.
Mental masturbation is so unsatisfying.
Like a lot of people I guess I used to think I could do anything if I put my mind to it. These days I feel as though I’ve gone too far down certain roads to ever change direction. That pisses me off no end.
So to come to the point of why I sat down to write this post anyway. It was two things really. Not wanting to give up. In that I can see I have not given up hope that I can do something differently. Where there is hope is life. All is not lost. I’m gonna make an effort to post more regularly. Why? As an experiment I suppose and as an effort to connect. Not just here but in other areas of my life. I’m going to make an effort to do something different, to break some habits which to be honest have become self defeating and destructive. I going do stuff in spite of myself. I’m going to start by planning. I seldom plan for anything to happen. I call it spontaneous to give it a positive spin. I suppose lacking intention would be the alternative. Should I be ambitious or realistic. Stuff realistic that already seems like a cop out. I’m gonna post everyday. The plan to do so starts here. I think that could be made a SMART objective. Specific – post every day; measurable – yes of course; achievable – I think so, hardly a day goes by where I’m not sitting in front of a screen, realistic – well even if it does not seem likely now that’s a big part of doing it anyway; timed – each day there should be another one. Seems pretty straight forward. Already I’m thinking about tomorrows objective! The time for a change is now!
If you happen to read this wish me luck I need all the support I can get.